Think of a place
with beach lights fireworks music and celebrations all around..Wonderful isn't it?
Everything was just
perfect to welcome the New Year. But there was something going on in my mind constantly
some random thought about which I wanted to think but was trying to keep away.
So just to calm
myself from the chaos I plan to walk by the beach.
Finally just
walking along I find a deserted place by the beach.
The smell and the
calmness of the beach was making me want to lie down,
I lie down,
Look up with a sky
filled with stars and allow myself to go with the flow of thoughts.
I start to think
about all the things that happened in last few days mainly the Christmas.
I think of him.
And the smiling faces. Messed up hair. The sudden euphoria that we were able to
mutually provide to each other.
In an instant the
calm was replaced by a sad feeling and the confusion of to call or not call for
the New Year wishes. And I finally I switch off my phone thinking of all the
negatives.
I get up and sit; n
look away at the ocean, thinking why everything happened. Why in such a way?
Why everything is so difficult to accept?
After the silence,
my thoughts were interrupted by some giggles somewhere nearby. I take a look
around and notice a couple. Young. Probably on their honeymoon.
With the feeling
of happiness and calmness gone I stand up and start walking further away from
the couple taking my shoes off and walking along the tide.
All I wanted at
that moment for the ocean to wash away the pain and sadness .
Walking on the
waves I couldn’t see the couple anymore. I look ahead and see a small rock (near
the hotel area along the beach) as I get closer I see there is already someone
on it.
It was too dark to
see the face all I could see was the outline.
I call “Hello is
someone there?” I wanted to just walk away but there was something known about
the voice, she responds saying “yes”, I ask “If I was disturbing her?” she says
“no”, “Come sit let the ocean answer all your questions”.
There was an
inexplicable force which drew me towards the rock and I finally decide to go
and sit.
“What happened to
you?” She asks
“What does she mean?”I
think
“Well not many
people come here alone at night. They’re all couples who do. What happened?”
she asks
“What makes you
think something happened to me? You are here too”, I said a little defensively
“And what makes
you think, something has not happened to me?” She asks.
Both of us sit in
silence listening to the sound of waves.” Why me? That’s my question” she says
A little surprised
“I wish I knew the answer to that” I say.
She suddenly
starts digging into what is wrong with me, asks me questions about him..and as
hard as possible I try not to answer or respond to any of it. But, yes there
always comes a breakdown point as there is in a zener diode. (just a reference)
and the same happened I broke.
I started telling
her everything. About what had happened and what I am thinking at the moment
and how I should be at the point but was vulnerable as shit.
She tries to calm
me down saying it is ok things happen and it was just another chapter and you
should just get over with it eventually. She suggests me to call him I do try
but then just dial and dismiss it.
She again asks me
questions, and frankly speaking that felt like a brainstorming session. “Does
he know what you think? Does he feel the same? What do you think of him as? Are
you ok with the whole thing you happen to know about him?”
These questions
just made me feel more nervous because I dint know answer to any of it.
After a long
silence.
“You do know,
there’s nothing as purpose?” she says
What do you mean?
I ask, "We're all here. And many say we're here
for a purpose. But there's nothing known as purpose." she replies
"That's not true.
We all play a role in the functioning of the universe". I say. "No.
We don't. We all play a role in the functioning of our own lives. We make them
what we can. Nothing is supposed to happen. And nothing is meant to be"
she says
I again stare at
the outline in silence.
“But you already
knew that, dint you?”She asks.
I was this time a
little confused. I ask her, "Then why does something happen? Everything
has a causal base. It's all inter-related!”
"It's all related
to what you relate it to. Nothing else. Everything is very simple. Sometimes it
is complicated just to scare you.” She says
I ask her to elaborate
“What is your final doing? What is the best
you can do about the situation? What stops you from doing what you think? This
question can be answered by answering the following question: What is the most
common trait in humans? Laziness or fear?" she says. “What is yours?” Asking
me..
Me?? Zoned Out!!!
“you must be thinking, what am I talking and
what do I know?”I am just an outline in the dark you are talking to” she says.
“You have given me a lot to think about.may I
know your name?,I ask
“Outline, as is yours” she says.
“I kind of understand you” I say.
“No, you understand yourself. But you don’t. I
understand nothing. No one understands anything. Or even nothing. It’s all
chaos. And some say they understand chaos." she laughs.
"What do you mean?!" I ask.
"I mean what you mean." she says
"Am I me or am I you?".
"What?!!” I exclaim.
"Are you you or are you me?" she
asks, much to your annoyance
"Wait, are you saying you are me?" I
ask getting temporarily vexed.
You look back at the rock."Where are
you?" you call out to the outline.
"Where are you?!""Where did you
go!!!"
Silence.
The sea breeze touches your skin. I look up at
the stars, even more unsettled than what I was before.
I again start thinking,
if I was really complicating and making everything difficult for myself and us.
I convince myself
saying how much ever I dig deep in this it is not going to have a solution.
Sometimes going with the flow is better.
And then I sit in
silence, thinking and missing him..(Having no clue if it was the same turmoil
for him)
May be yes May be no.
And starting a New
Year with such confusion, sadness and with such daunting thoughts, I wonder if
it was actually a New Year.
